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Crimes in the Country

6:42 AM (2806-A) —

We got a call from a distraught mother moth at 312 County Road. Apparently she had laid some eggs on an orchard tree then moved on to do the same on another tree when she heard a strange buzzing sound behind her. She turned quickly but she was too late. The eggs she had just laid were being injected with the eggs of the perpetrator. The perp was described as a very small 1.5mm, tan and yellow female that appeared to be some sort of wasp-looking creature. We responded and dusted for prints but there were none to be found. We did find evidence in the form of tiny holes in the eggs and we could see a dark spherical shapes inside. With the permission of the mother two eggs were brought back to the forensics lab. Complete lab analysis will be completed in about two weeks according to the pathologist on duty. There is an APB out for the perp.

8:18 AM (2806-B) —

We responded to a call from an aphid colony at a nursery located at 61 Main Street. Apparently a gang of lacewing juveniles (a.k.a. larvae) went on a destructive feeding rampage consuming approximately 400 innocent children. The single parent of 20% of these children, the one who placed the call, was bereaved and still shaking. When we got there the whole colony was quite distraught. The lacewing gang, calling themselves the “Aphid Lions” according to one witness, was quite intimidating. The aphid colony thought the Nursery human had sprayed and they’d be safe, but after a brief questioning of the staff it was determined that the spraying hadn’t yet taken place. Thus the aphid colony had a false sense of security thinking they’d be safe from this sort of predatory behavior. An APB is out but it doesn’t look good. The gang is notoriously good at hiding and no perps have been positively identified or apprehended. Some nearby lacewing adults were questioned but they completely denied any knowledge stating their kind aren’t even predators.

10:58 AM (2806-C) —

We responded to another call about gang activity in a nearby garden located of 88 Main Street. A large green caterpillar was allegedly minding its own business eating a tomato leaf when he was apparently accosted by several miniature black wasp-like creatures. According to the caterpillar they jumped on his back and began stabbing him. He couldn’t see them but the victim stated that it felt like small knives being plunged into his skin. He was visibly shaken when we got there but he seemed all right. After close inspection of the crime scene we had confirmed there were several small penetrations. While we were on-scene a previous victim of this type of crime, reported two weeks earlier (log entry 1406-E) came by and verified the caterpillar’s testimony. The prior victim was able to furnish evidence in the form of a number of white cocoon-looking things attached to his back. One of these cocoons have been brought back to the forensics lab to determine the contents. This investigation is still open, no suspects have been apprehended and no warrants have been issued.

12:02 PM (2806-D) —

We got a call from the Whitefly family at the west end of Route 128 by mile marker 6. Another garden scene. According to our caller, the family’s leading matriarch, the members had been busy all morning harmlessly laying eggs and tending to their young on some verbena. Supposedly a small wasp creature started poking holes in the smallest family members. We inspected the young victims and they did indeed have small markings on their backs, but the proof was insubstantial. We were then alerted that the alleged perpetrator was back and doing it again. We looked but couldn’t see anything going on. Frantically the adult members pointed and shouted, but still we couldn’t see anything going on. We were told the perp was really small and to look closely, we did but we could not make a confirming visual. Despite the desperate pleas of the Whitefly family to take their word for it, we had to call it quits. We couldn’t arrest what we couldn’t see. We left the investigation open, for the time being, but we suspect it’ll be closed shortly for lack of evidence and a visible suspect.

2:16 PM (2806-E) —

With dread we responded a call from the spider mites at the abandoned Web Street Trailer Park at 1 Web Street, Lot 12. We made our way through the weeds to get to their established homestead and interviewed the caller, an elderly two-spotted mite who met us outside the domicile. Apparently there was some hot-rodding orange “villain” as he put it roaming around eating younger family members randomly. We couldn’t confirm this, though, as we were unable to get very close to the actual crime scene due to the thick webbing. The old man swore at us, but then admitted there was a lot of webbing. We asked that he clean up the webbing so we could come back and conduct a proper investigation. He angrily shouted some expletives at us in reply. Due to this occurrence and getting the same thing during our prior experiences we decided to close the investigation and will classify it as unconfirmed.

5:36 PM (2806-F) —

We responded to a screaming unintelligible call from some more aphids it seemed. We couldn’t understand the caller but traced the call back to the Becker Estate just off of Free Pond Road. When we arrived on-scene there were no aphids to be found. There were, however, some ladies gathered around for what appeared to be some sort of party. The ladies all wore fancy red coats with black spots. We questioned a few of them as they gathered around us, but none of them confirmed even seeing any aphids around. They were pleasant towards us and quite open and friendly. We surveyed the area looking for physical evidence of aphids or signs of a struggle but found nothing. We did locate some sticky substance on one of the nearby leaves but the ladies quickly told us that one of their party had spilled some punch. After a few minutes of finding nothing we decided to call the case unconfirmed and bid the ladies good day.

8:29 PM (2806-G) —

We responded to another call from a colony of aphids located at 12 Meadow Road. They were all visibly shaken when we arrived on-scene claiming they were attacked by an immature midge. According to the aphids the midge was going around biting them in the legs. We were directed to some of the victims for questioning. All bore a small injury on their knee-joints, but none would answer our questions or provide any help whatsoever. It was almost as if they were paralyzed since they just stood there, mouths agape, drooling. The aphid who called pointed out the alleged perpetrator who was still on-scene, slowly moving away. We quickly caught up with the accused and took him into custody but realized he had no arms or legs and moved quite slowly — thus we had no motive or means. He didn’t seem at all threatening. Since we had no real evidence of foul-play and couldn’t get one corroborating statement from the so-called victims, we ascertained the call was a hoax and released the alleged perp from custody and closed the investigation. We’ve gotten calls of this sort before with always the same outcome.

11:26 PM (2806-H) —

We got an anonymous call from the Sodden Earth pub on Rangely Road about a break-in and entry. We don’t like anonymous calls but, obligated to respond, we rushed right over. We were met out front by a large gathering grossly overweight grubby teens. Apparently they had been partying heavily since dark. We couldn’t confirm who made the call as they were decidedly uncooperative but they were all knowledgeable about the crime and introduced us to the victim. He, too, was a grubby kid who claimed that he went “’round back” in the dark to relieve himself. According to the youth a small “wormy dude” crawled into him via his, well, posterior end we shall write in this report. This was the “break-in and entry” we surmised. Unusual but perhaps valid. We offered to call an ambulance for the victim but he declined our offer. He did, however, volunteer to take us around to the back of the establishment and show us where it happened. We followed the youth. Once out back we couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary except that we did note was that even though the air was still, the tall grass out back was wavering back and forth in the dark as if in a breeze or current. We were about to ask the youths about it but the one who was allegedly broken into started laughing claiming he was itchy. All the other grubby teens started laughing with him. At this point there was no talking to these boys they were obviously on something. We issued a stern warning to them regarding making hoax calls but they laughed louder, a couple of them claiming that they just got broken into as well. Oddly the wavering tall grass seemed to be moving closer but we had had enough and left. Case closed.

Filed under Anecdotes —

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